I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
