watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
