OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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