the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
