apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
