Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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