Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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