I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
