Someone shit on the floor
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
