dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Screwed.edu
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
