I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
