its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
