if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Your penis caused this!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
