Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
