This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
