i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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