is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
