I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
