Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
