Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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