I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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