I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
