Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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