I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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