I just cut my nipple shaving
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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