I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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