If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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