I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
