Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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