I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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