she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
