I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
