made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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