I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
