the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Vodka?
Forever.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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