But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need to align my fucking chakras
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
