the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
