Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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