2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
is it fun? or sober?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
