I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's official drugs can't kill me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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