If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
