Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
