you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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