i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
