so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
