i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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