Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
