dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
