I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
