i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
