U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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