She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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