Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
