Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
