Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize