guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
