I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
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is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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