So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
