you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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