if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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