just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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