So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
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I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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