I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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